Where Will Trump Flee to Avoid Prison?

A Fool’s Errand on Foreign Soil

Trump’s convictions on a multitude of crimes committed before, during and after his reign as Cheeto-in-Chief, are by no means done deals, at least not yet.  Naturally, plenty of Americans are skeptical that our system of justice will indeed eventually demonstrate that no one, including a former President, is above the law. We’ll believe it when we see it is a common refrain.

But at least for the sake of discussion, let’s assume that the U.S. Department of Justice follows-through on at least one significant criminal charge against Trump, one that for any other person, would require jail time for the same crime. Now consider that he is also facing separate jail time in at least a dozen other legal actions likely to lead to indictment and probable conviction. If the system holds, Don Corleorange will be facing the very real possibility of an orange jumpsuit, and an inability to buy, threaten or tweet his way out of meaningful jail time. At that point, whatever friends he thought he had within his network of cronies will be out of reach.

What then? you may ask. Knowing that prison time is unacceptable to him, does he try to invoke another violent insurrection, borne of MAGA outrage at the “unfairness” of their Golden Grifter being caught red-handed breaking the law(s)? Even if the reduced ranks of his most extreme minions were to choose violence in response to his pending prison time, it would not save him. Plus, calling for another violent uprising as a way to avoid incarceration would be more idiotic than imaginable, even for Trump, and would only accelerate his problems.

Short of ending his own life, there’s only one strategy left that has any chance of saving his slippery hide. He needs to flee the country, fast, but not as the loser that he is. Since he has few original thoughts, someone else among his ranks will eventually point out to the stable genius that he could actually spin his cowardly escape into a winner’s narrative, at least as far as his MAGA cult and rightwing media are concerned.

He can declare himself a “President in exile,” robbed of his rightful status as winner of the 2020 election, and fleeing his country to avoid unfair prosecution by the radical-liberal-Marxist-socialist-communist-LBGTQ-not white-America-hating, witch-hunt-mean-people, out to get him. “The greatest crime in American history!!” (other than Hilary Clinton’s email server. Or was that Hunter Biden’s laptop?)

In this novel way, his Big Lie can live on; except that now, instead of originating at Merde-A-Lago, his ongoing campaign of falsehoods and grift would be under the sponsorship of a new nation. He would have been granted political asylum by one of any number of authoritarian regimes (in an irony sure to escape him) and could expect to find the freedom to expand his MAGA brand to international status. Going forward, he could extend his MAGA appeal not just to the American delusional, but also to authoritarian-loving rubes around the globe. In whatever remains of Trump World, he would no longer be running from the law. He’d be the new star in a larger universe of mischief — all from a new “temporary” home away from home, while he purportedly waits to be re-installed as the “rightful" American president. Almost ingenious, right?

So the question is, where would Trump flee?

Looking at it from his point of view, his own first choice would have to be Dubai. With his hidden assets, he could easily afford the rent. His family already has massive financial ties to Saudi Arabia, a close ally of Dubai. He might finagle himself a nice upper floor at the Burj Khalifa. From there, he’d be able to continue his lavish lifestyle, while continuing to take money from his cult devotees inside and outside the United States. But would the Saudis risk the possible destabilization of fragile middle-eastern alliances (not to mention continued access to massive weaponry purchases from the U.S.), just to help Jared Kushner’s malignant narcissistic of a father-in-law? Probably not.

North Korea, perhaps? After all, those “love letters” with Kim Jong Un really meant something, did they not? Can you imagine the ongoing mutual admiration and manly adulation that might occur once Dolt 45 says his last goodbye to the western world and extends the titillating love affair into Kim’s dark parlor? The mind reels. But ultimately, the essential confinement to quarters, however lavish, would probably not work for Trump. Neither would the absence of KFC or Big Macs. Nope. Too much like prison, except for the definitely-not-gay mutual adoration, of course.

Now, maybe Hungary would give our would-be Fuhrer the proper welcome he deserves. After all, the MAGA-Republicans held this year’s annual CPAC conference overseas, in Hungary, as special guests of authoritarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban. Subsequently, Orban shared the stage with Trump at the Texas version of the CPAC event. But the politics of welcoming a “president-in-exile” might be tricky for Orban. He would have to abandon any pretense of representing a western democracy, even a fake one. He might want to welcome Trump as a brother-in-arms, but going full MAGA with an American fugitive facing prison time could be too much political baggage, even for Orban.

Of course there are always places like the Philippines, Tunisia, Nicaragua, Iran, and others, where anti-democracy authoritarians and wanna-be fascists do their part in the ongoing global campaign against liberal democracy. They are of course joined in spirit, if not in deed, with MAGA-Republicans holding public office in the U.S.. Hosting a celebrity fugitive like Trump would definitely put those regimes in the international limelight, at least for a time. But these would be second and third tier choices for the Tangerine Palpatine.

Ultimately, we all know where Valdermoron must end up. To Russia with Lard., where else? Russia is really the only viable option for a multitude of reasons. To begin with, Agent Orange already has many relationships there, business and personal. Putin will be as desperate to welcome him as the God Frauder is to be out-of-reach of American rule of law. For Trump, he will finally sit side-by-side with his Emperor, ready to jointly wreak havoc on the Western world, as he plots to expand his grift empire to even more suckers eager to support his cause, whatever it may be.

For Putin, soooo much more is to be gained. Clownigula’s midnight escape into Putin’s arms will provide Vlad with a colossal distraction from his failings in Ukraine. But more importantly, he will stand to inherit Trump’s legion of MAGA-zombies, including whichever MAGA members of Congress have not yet been charged (or already convicted) alongside Jabba the Gut. They will serve as a direct proxy for Putin’s most useful idiot. Just like before, except this time there will be little space between the master and his fugitive puppet, now close at hand, reporting for duty.

The former Master of Mar-A-Lardo will do his best to revive his fallen empire from afar. But ultimately, that will fail because it is literally a fool’s errand. Life in Russia will be no cake walk for the cake inhaler, and Putin will not suffer a fool like Trump for very long before throwing him under the marshrutkas, like Trump has done to so many others.

Maybe in the end, when the Floridian Flounder is of no further use to him, Putin will publicly release the rumored “pee tape,” starring you-know-who as the man beneath the yellow curtain. A video instantly gone viral, cementing a final, fitting image of the putrid pussy-grabber, for us to remember him by. Who knows? But regardless, Trump will remain Putin’s bitch (ouch!) until the end, whenever that may be.

It’s either that, or prison. And it will be Trump’s dilemma, not ours.

(Credits to Steven Colbert for his Best of #HeWhoShallBeNamed)

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Thanks and Happy Holidays! Richard